So You Wanna Build Community?

Part 2: I understand it... but how do I get it?

By this point, we’re assuming you’ve read Part 1 of this series and you understand the costs of community. Relying and being relied on. Non-negotiables. Now how do you start to get some of that sweet, sweet community?

Well, first off, you gotta change your thinking. The question should not be “how do I get it”, but “how can I give it”. Unfortunately, like most (all) good things in life, a lot of it starts with you and within you.

I think this is where a lot of people die off in their journey for community because it does involve some risk, some vulnerability, and some honesty. It’s exposing and humbling to need people. And if you’re really serious about building, you’re going to have to tell people two things- that you do need and what you need.

In many parts of the world we are trained to be self sufficient. I think the powers that be like to keep us this way… alone… because it’s far easier to control one than many. Obviously. But they convince us that isolation and our ability to survive only depending and looking to ourself is a sign of strength. I don’t need nobody but myself strength. And I actually believe it’s a certain kind of strength. The kind of strength you use when you overexert yourself at the gym for days and days on end until every part of your body is weak and can’t do anything anymore. But hey, at least you’re alone, so no one sees you when you break.

And that really seems to be the American dance. Venturing our in search of community, realizing that the costs of it are uncomfortable and require work and growth, giving up, returning to our self serving caves until we burn out and break down and venture out again. A vicious cycle to say the least.

So this time, if I could encourage you, try and stay out of the cave for a little longer. Everyone needs. Everyone’s embarrassed to need. You’re alright, I promise.

Before you do anything at all, I want you to first figure out what you even want to build towards. Think big, think small. Everyday things you want in your life and things you want in five, ten, twenty years. Because not all communities are gonna function the same, and yet they can all be solid communities. So what are you goals, what sort of things do you believe in? What stuff do you wanna see in the world?

Then I need you to figure out your core values. What’s most important to you in people? What kind of values do you want to be surrounding you? Empathy, drive, valiance, compassion, creativity… what do you want?

Once you know those things, it’s all trial and error baby. And again, it’s gonna take you being vulnerable. I can only speak from personal experience, but it took a lot of work to hone in on the community that I’m building with now. Partially because I didn’t know what I was building towards or the values I wanted around me when I first began.

I now know I want my community to be a place where I can share resources and have resources to pull from. I want people who show up on time and who show up when they say they will. I want a community who is graceful and committed. Who cares about the world, the marginalized, and who hates suffering. Who says sorry authentically, quickly and easily. I want to be surrounded by creatives who talk more about art than money. I want to have people who push me to read and write and learn and stay open to new knowledge.

This is what I have learned after about a year of forcing myself to stay outside the God forsaken cave. You might want a community centered around entirely different things. That’s amazing. Go to where those people are.

I wanted people who read and thought deeply, so I hosted a book club. I wanted to know people who share resources, so I started hosting a free swap and meet in my backyard. Find the spaces that align with your values and you will also probably start to find the people. And if there aren’t any spaces, create them.

There’s more people like you out there. You are simply not alone. You’re not an island. You can have community if you’re willing and dedicated to having it. And all those people that you’re dying to connect with and know and love- they’re all braving it outside the cave. So you gotta brave it too. And I promise you’ll find each other.